Someone Like You: A Guided Meditation

The Trader Joe's across from my work has some interesting song choices. I don't know who's in charge of the music over there, but it's rarely you're typical quiet grocery store tunes. One time they were blasting "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa, and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I looked around to see if anyone else thought it was weird, but no one seemed phased. They just kept shopping for hummus while Salt-N-Pepa yelled, "Pu-push it real good!"

Fast forward to today when I ran over there at lunch to grab a few things. I stocked up on snacks, grabbed something for dinner. I was looking for something to eat for lunch when it began--that infamous melancholy piano...

NOTE: It's best if you read the rest of this while listening to the song, like a messed up guided meditation.

You're in the middle of Trader Joe's when it begins. Your heart sinks immediately like it does for everyone when Adele's "Someone Like You" starts playing, even though it came out like two years ago and has been seriously overplayed. It doesn't matter that you were in a good mood before you walked in. You are now sad.

"It's okay," you tell yourself. "I'll muscle through. Just gotta get something for lunch and I'm outta here."

Hmmm, BBQ chicken salad or Caeser salad? The chicken looks pretty good. You could use a little more protein in your diet. Gah! Who cares? Nothing matters. You can't take this song anymore. Your heart just keeps sinking further and further until it's in your stomach. You have to get out of here. You grab the closest salad and make a beeline for the register.

You see a line with one person in it. Perfect. You'll be out of here in no time. The song seems to be getting louder and louder as you unload your groceries. Images of all the people who have ever broken your heart dance in your mind. You suddenly remember sad things from when you were young, like when you wanted to be Rainbow Brite on the playground at preschool, but you never got to be Rainbow Brite because that bossy girl always said she was Rainbow Brite and you're not sure why all the kids listened to her because no one liked her anyway. You will never be Rainbow Brite.

NEVER MIND, I'LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUUU.

It's like Adele is right there in Trader Joe's, bagging your groceries and reaching into your soul with her bare hands like you're a carved pumpkin and she's pulling out all the yuckiness that's buried deep inside of you. The guy in front of you is taking forever! What is the deal??? Something about his credit card not working. Maybe you should leave. 

Just like those books in middle school that your teacher wouldn't let you use for book reports because they weren't "real" books, you must choose your own adventure. If you want to drop all your groceries and flee the store like a crying lunatic, turn to page six. 

"No," you tell yourself. "I will get through this." You choose to stay and tough it out. You've made it this far. It's just a song. 

But you can't shake the sadness. You think about everything sad that's ever happened to you. The boys who never asked you to the dance. People in your life you've lost. Failed relationships. Those Pedigree Dog Adoption commercials where David Duchovny makes you want to adopt every dog on the planet. It's a flood of depressing thoughts. 

NEVER MIND, I'LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUUU.

It's finally your turn. The cashier rings you up, but there is something wrong with the card reader. It doesn't seem to be reading anyone's debit cards. You don't have any cash. She has to call the manager over.

I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU, TOOOOOO.

You're officially stuck in Trader Joe's, listening to one of the saddest songs on Earth while re-thinking all of your life choices. Maybe you should have moved to a different city. Maybe your major in college was a mistake. Maybe every choice you ever made was wrong. Maybe you suck at life.

Finally the card goes through and you're able to take your bags and run, but not before you hear:

DON'T FORGET ME, I BEG

I REMEMBER YOU SAID

"SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE,

BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD."

SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE,

BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD.

End of f'd up guided meditation.

On a lighter, but related note, the SNL sketch about this song is still hilarious (sorry, this was the best version I could find).

And because I believe no one should go to bed sad, I leave you with this pick-me-up. S-S-S-Salt N Pepa's here!