Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Put A Shirt On, A**hole (And Other Thoughts On Online Dating)

Put a shirt on, a**hole. Yes, I get it. You could wash clothes on that abdomen because of the rippling muscles. And I'd be turned on if I saw you at the beach or somewhere else where it's normal to have your shirt off. But it's a huge turnoff when all your pictures are just shirtless reflections of you in the bathroom mirror with a dingy shower curtain in the background. Are you too poor for clothes? Or cleaning supplies for that matter? To quote a very classy MTV dating show, "NEXT!"

Other things you (guys) should avoid posting on your profile:

- Pictures of yourself with friends who are hotter than you. Because when I look at a group photo, I will hope that you are the cute one on the left in the striped shirt. And when I find out that you are the non-cute one with the excessive neck hair, well, that's just a disappointment for everyone.

- Pictures of yourself with friends who are hotter than ME. I'm very skeptical of guys who have multiple pictures with different women in all of them, especially if the women are hot.

- Pictures with kids that aren't your own. Barph. Too obvious. Why don't you just wear a sign that says, "Look at me! I'm Mr. Sensitive! I can totally pose in pictures next to children!"

- Too many hat pictures. If you're wearing a hat in all your pictures, I'm gonna assume you're balding.

- A profile/email that sounds like you're a pre-teen who just got a cell phone. Is it so hrd 2 spll out the whole wrd? I h8 2 sound like a pretentious English majr, but r u kidding me?

And another thing. Since when did "being physically fit" become a hobby? I swear every guy has that listed as a hobby. I thought being physically fit was something you do because it's good for you. You might as well say your hobbies include getting 8 hours of sleep and stopping at red lights.

If anyone wants to write the guy version of this, I'd love to read it! I'm sure we gals are just as ridiculous.


Stephanie said...

If these guys are so hot that they have to take their shirts off in their pictures or put "being physically fit" as a hobby, why are they using an online dating website to flaunt it?

Say hello to my ego.

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is so funny....


Anonymous said...

I FREAKING LOVE THIS! OMG! Hysterically true.

Vivian said...

I'm highly amused, but of course I would be, because you wrote it. Very well said.

Anonymous said...

soooo true!! just make sure he has BOTH his hands in the pictures...and i think it should be


Sayra said...

You are a riot! I've missed your sense of humor.

BTW, you forgot to list "breathing" as a hobby. ;)