Thursday, April 24, 2008
"Why are there four of them?" you ask. "Weren't there only supposed to be three?" On last night's finale, Robin Antin decided to cut the only talented girl left and keep the remaining four. She basically told Natalie and Chrystina, you both kind of suck, but welcome to Girlicious! Add Nichole and Tiffanie, a bit of stripper dance moves, a dash of slutty--and voila! Your recipe for Girlicious is complete.
We're fortunate enough to have two music videos from Girlicious. I'll post my favorite below. It is appropriately called, Stupid Shit.
Yep, that really is some stupid shit. You know I'm gonna buy the CD.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's me! Every girl ever.
Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...
Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!
See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.
I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
Monday, April 21, 2008
'Cause it's nine in the afternoon
And your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good
just the way that we do
When it's nine in the afternoon
Nine in the afternoon? There's no such thing, right? So is this supposed to be funny? If so, I don't get the joke. Sounds more like a time-telling learning disability to me.
My favorite line is, "Your eyes are the size of the moon." What is she, an anime character?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
“I don’t remember it being depressing,” my friend says.
"Well, you know, everyone’s dying of AIDS and what not.”
"They are? I don’t remember anything about AIDS."
This strikes me as a bit weird, but maybe it’s just been too long since she's seen the play. So we’re watching the movie and nothing is familiar to her. Not the music, not the characters, not the depressing ballads about having AIDS. Nothing. Halfway through the movie she finally says…
"This is ridiculous. Nobody is banging on trash cans in this movie
And then it clicks.
“Wait a minute,” I say. “Are you getting this mixed up with Stomp?”
“Is that the one where they go around banging on trash cans with drumsticks?"
"Yeah,” I say.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
In the last few episodes she's cut the Awkward Redhead (Ilisa), the Other Redhead (Jamie) and Lazy Eyes (Jenna). Now we are left with:
Carrie – clearly the only one who can sing in this group. She’s cute, charming and doesn’t create drama. Love her. I want her to be my best friend. I think she’s too good for this competition. Homegirl should’ve tried out for American Idol!
Chrystina - aka Bitchy McBitchkins. This girl is always disgruntled about something. Her voice is so-so. I suppose she can dance. The only thing going for her is her look.
Tiffanie – aka Ghetto Bitch. Always screaming about something. Even when she’s singing she sounds like she’s screaming. She and Charlye don’t get along with Bitchy McBitchkins. And guess what? Next week they have to be in a group together!
Natalie – aka Queen Bitch (are you sensing a theme here?) I almost hate that we share the same name. She’s a self-centered diva with mediocre dance skills and a terrible voice. Last week she said something to the effect of she knows she’s not as good as some of the others, but she’s pretty and people like her. “Beauty is a talent,” she says with conviction. This is officially my new response to anyone who compliments me on how I look.
Stay tuned for next week's Girlicious Reality Rant...