Monday, December 29, 2008

Dear Aspiring Musician Who Lives In My Building

Singing LOUDER doesn't change the fact that you still SUCK. It's 11:00pm on a school night. Do us all a favor and call it a night.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Working 9 to 5

You know it's bad when your friend calls you in tears to say she got laid off from work and your first thought is, "Lucky!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Happiest Place On Earth?

My dear friend recently went to Disneyland for the first time in her life. I was very excited for her until she sent me this picture:




What are Pluto and Goofy doing in the background?! I thought Disneyland was supposed to be G-rated. There are children watching!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

You know, as much as I make fun of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I cry every damn time I catch it on TV. There, I said it.

Monday, October 27, 2008

As Long As There Are 99 Cent Stores, There Will Be Comedy

I went to the 99 Cent Store last night to pick up a few things (by the way, Halloween Headquarters my ass. All they had were plastic pumpkins and orange socks).

As I'm headed to the trash bag aisle, I see this little Asian man arguing with the cashier about something that was priced wrong. I'm not sure how that's possible considering the name of the store. But he yelled repeatedly, "Not my mistake! Their mistake!" He continued to make a fuss about it even after the cashier fixed the mistake.

Just when I thought it was over I heard the little Asian man say to the cashier, "What did you say to me?" Apparently the cashier mumbled, "Screw you, Sir." And I gotta say I love that he added "Sir" to the insult. His mama raised him right.

"Screw me?!" the little Asian man yelled? "No, screw you!"

The cashier continued to ring up the next person in line, but the Asian man was relentless.

"Screw me, he says? Let's take this outside. Come on, let's take this outside!" He's actually picking a fight with the young, large Mexican fella at the cash register. I mean the dude was pretty big. Not the kinda guy you wanna pick a fight with.

But the best part of this story is the complete apathy of the other customers. This one lady bends down to her little boy and says in a mocking baby voice, "Aww, look. Are they gonna fight?"

They don't fight. The big cashier keeps ringing up customers and ignoring the man's threats. The scene finally ended when an old lady in line yells to the little Asian man in her scraggly witch voice, "Get over it!"

Just another night at the 99 Cent Store.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Shout Out Of The Week - Guy Who Posted Instructions On How To Make The Frank Mask From Donnie Darko

I promise to start making these weekly shout outs every week. Right now it's every couple of weeks.

I must give a shout out to the guy who posted instructions on how to make the Frank the Bunny mask from Donnie Darko. Thanks to this guy (well this guy and my mom), my Halloween costume is gonna kick ass. AND I'll be saving lots of dough. The Frank costume is expensive.

http://www.occasionalhell.com/pages/projects/frank.php

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Self-Help Section

I'm tempted to go to the self-help section at Barnes and Noble to purchase books with titles like "How To Find A Job You Don't Hate" or "Get Rich By Napping" or "The Vodka Diet: Creating A Life Of True Bliss."

Friday, September 12, 2008

Dear Chris Brown

I've done this at least three times already. I'll think I'm listening to the new Chris Brown song on the radio only to find (after the tune ends abruptly) that I've actually been rocking out to the Doublemint Gum commercial.

Way to sell out, Chris Brown. You're making me look like an idiot.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Shout Out of the Week - Go Fug Yourself


www.gofugyourself.com

Hopefully you're already aware of this site, but if not, please let me enlighten you. It's all about celebrity fashion gone wrong. The commentary is hilarious. That's all you need to know. Go check it out now!

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Monday Blahs - You Never Know

A few weeks ago I had a major case of the Monday Blahs. I had no desire to be at work. I didn't like what I was wearing. I was not excited for the microwaveable Weight Watchers meal I had just picked up for lunch. But as I was driving back to the office, who did I see walking down the street?

Chewbacca.

Yes, Chewbacca. He was walking down 1st street in Burbank with two normal-looking human buddies. Just minding his own business, probably on his way to Baja Fresh. Maybe he works in post production now? Who knows. He gave me a friendly wave (probably because I was staring) and I cheered up immediately. I love this city. You never know who you might run into.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Put A Shirt On, A**hole (And Other Thoughts On Online Dating)

Put a shirt on, a**hole. Yes, I get it. You could wash clothes on that abdomen because of the rippling muscles. And I'd be turned on if I saw you at the beach or somewhere else where it's normal to have your shirt off. But it's a huge turnoff when all your pictures are just shirtless reflections of you in the bathroom mirror with a dingy shower curtain in the background. Are you too poor for clothes? Or cleaning supplies for that matter? To quote a very classy MTV dating show, "NEXT!"

Other things you (guys) should avoid posting on your profile:

- Pictures of yourself with friends who are hotter than you. Because when I look at a group photo, I will hope that you are the cute one on the left in the striped shirt. And when I find out that you are the non-cute one with the excessive neck hair, well, that's just a disappointment for everyone.

- Pictures of yourself with friends who are hotter than ME. I'm very skeptical of guys who have multiple pictures with different women in all of them, especially if the women are hot.

- Pictures with kids that aren't your own. Barph. Too obvious. Why don't you just wear a sign that says, "Look at me! I'm Mr. Sensitive! I can totally pose in pictures next to children!"

- Too many hat pictures. If you're wearing a hat in all your pictures, I'm gonna assume you're balding.

- A profile/email that sounds like you're a pre-teen who just got a cell phone. Is it so hrd 2 spll out the whole wrd? I h8 2 sound like a pretentious English majr, but r u kidding me?

And another thing. Since when did "being physically fit" become a hobby? I swear every guy has that listed as a hobby. I thought being physically fit was something you do because it's good for you. You might as well say your hobbies include getting 8 hours of sleep and stopping at red lights.

If anyone wants to write the guy version of this, I'd love to read it! I'm sure we gals are just as ridiculous.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Pizza For One


I purchased some small DiGiorno microwaveable pizzas at Ralph's this weekend. When I took one out of the freezer for lunch, I noticed that the pizza box was titled, DiGiorno For One.

Pizza...For One? Seriously??? I already know it's for one just by looking at the size. It's a tiny pizza. I don't need a pizza box to remind me I'm eating it by myself. Good God. Why not just go all out and call it something like:


Pizza for the Lonely
Hey Loser, Here's a Pizza For You
You're Gonna Die Alone Pizza

Plus, who does this pizza box think it is, telling me how many people can or cannot eat this pizza? What if two children shared the pizza? Then it wouldn't be pizza for one. Or two people with gastric bypass. Or nine girls with eating disorders?

DiGiorno has some nerve.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

When Did Dana Carvey Become A Woman?


Who photo-shopped this picture and why? He looks so...androgynous. Whenever I come across this picture I ask myself, "Is that Dana Carvey or my Aunt Norma?"

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Sandwich-in-a-Box





The highlight of my day so far has been this sandwich-in-a-box. I ate it for lunch. Man, I need a vacation. Or a major life-change or something.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Have You Ever...

Have you ever gone out for drinks with coworkers, and then asked them in all seriousness, "What should I do with the rest of my life?"

Don't.

Cuz this is the list you'll get:

  • Stripper
  • Stripper
  • Stripper
  • Stripper
  • Dental Hygienist

Can you guess which responses were male and which were female?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Reality TV Rant - Girlicious

Pre-Teen Ladies and Middle-Aged Gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you the girls of Girlicious--now sluttier than ever!


"Why are there four of them?" you ask. "Weren't there only supposed to be three?" On last night's finale, Robin Antin decided to cut the only talented girl left and keep the remaining four. She basically told Natalie and Chrystina, you both kind of suck, but welcome to Girlicious! Add Nichole and Tiffanie, a bit of stripper dance moves, a dash of slutty--and voila! Your recipe for Girlicious is complete.

We're fortunate enough to have two music videos from Girlicious. I'll post my favorite below. It is appropriately called, Stupid Shit.




Yep, that really is some stupid shit. You know I'm gonna buy the CD.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Shout Out of the Week - Person in Philadelphia

Thanks to my friend Brooke for introducing me to The Best of Craigslist. And thanks to the random person in Philadelphia for writing this hilarious (and scarily accurate) post. I wish I knew your name. This is too funny!

It's me! Every girl ever.


Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Nine in the Afternoon by Panic at the Disco

Can someone explain this song to me? I admit, it's a catchy tune. And then I get to the chorus:

'Cause it's nine in the afternoon
And your eyes are the size of the moon
You could 'cause you can so you do
We're feeling so good
just the way that we do
When it's nine in the afternoon

Nine in the afternoon? There's no such thing, right? So is this supposed to be funny? If so, I don't get the joke. Sounds more like a time-telling learning disability to me.

My favorite line is, "Your eyes are the size of the moon." What is she, an anime character?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Funny Story About Rent (the Musical)

Last night I went over to my friend’s place to eat nachos and watch Rent. It was her idea to watch Rent by the way. She saw the play years ago, but never saw the movie. Cool, I thought. I love that movie. Even if it is kind of depressing.

“I don’t remember it being depressing,” my friend says.

"Well, you know, everyone’s dying of AIDS and what not.”

"They are? I don’t remember anything about AIDS."

This strikes me as a bit weird, but maybe it’s just been too long since she's seen the play. So we’re watching the movie and nothing is familiar to her. Not the music, not the characters, not the depressing ballads about having AIDS. Nothing. Halfway through the movie she finally says…

"This is ridiculous. Nobody is banging on trash cans in this movie

And then it clicks.

“Wait a minute,” I say. “Are you getting this mixed up with Stomp?”

“Is that the one where they go around banging on trash cans with drumsticks?"

"Yeah,” I say.

"Then yes."

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Reality TV Rant

My reality rant is this week’s episode of The Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious. It was one of those fake-out recap episodes. Boo! Oh, you haven’t been watching this quality show? Here’s the premise: Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls, is on the hunt for another group of untalented girls to mold into stars.



In the last few episodes she's cut the Awkward Redhead (Ilisa), the Other Redhead (Jamie) and Lazy Eyes (Jenna). Now we are left with:

Carrie – clearly the only one who can sing in this group. She’s cute, charming and doesn’t create drama. Love her. I want her to be my best friend. I think she’s too good for this competition. Homegirl should’ve tried out for American Idol!


Chrystina - aka Bitchy McBitchkins. This girl is always disgruntled about something. Her voice is so-so. I suppose she can dance. The only thing going for her is her look.


Charlye - Her dad died so I can’t make fun of her.



Tiffanie – aka Ghetto Bitch. Always screaming about something. Even when she’s singing she sounds like she’s screaming. She and Charlye don’t get along with Bitchy McBitchkins. And guess what? Next week they have to be in a group together!


Natalie – aka Queen Bitch (are you sensing a theme here?) I almost hate that we share the same name. She’s a self-centered diva with mediocre dance skills and a terrible voice. Last week she said something to the effect of she knows she’s not as good as some of the others, but she’s pretty and people like her. “Beauty is a talent,” she says with conviction. This is officially my new response to anyone who compliments me on how I look.


Nichole – Pretty. Forgettable. Pretty forgettable. I always forget she’s there. But she has the potential to be molded into whatever Robin wants her to be. She’ll probably make it to the end.


Stay tuned for next week's Girlicious Reality Rant...

Monday, March 31, 2008

Woman Stays In Bathroom For Two Years

Did everyone hear about this story? Some woman in Kansas sat on the toilet in her bathroom for two years. Supposedly, her skin even melted to the toilet. After two years, her boyfriend finally called for help.

Can you believe it?

That girl has a boyfriend and I don't??? You've got to be kidding me.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I’m Not A Picky Eater

I'm not a picky eater. I like most foods. I can always find something on the menu that I like. I'm not afraid to try something new. Not many foods upset my stomach. I'm not a picky eater.

But maybe I should be.

Here's the story:

So the other night I make some pasta and meat sauce for dinner. Nothing fancy. I sit down to eat my wonderful meal when I notice a big, round black object in my pasta. Instead of throwing it out and inspecting the rest of my pasta like a normal human, I actually tell myself, "It's probably just an olive." I don't even stop to think that there is NO REASON why an olive would be in the box of pasta, package of ground turkey, or bottle of Ragu sauce.

I actually attempt to eat the damn thing! Right away I notice it's rock-hard and I realize that can't be good. Olives shouldn't be rock-hard. So I spit it out and upon further inspection I discover that A PIECE FROM THE LID OF THE POT actually broke off into the pasta. I spent the rest of the night trying to floss cookware out of my back teeth.

My dentist is gonna have a field day with this one.