Monday, February 5, 2007

Proven Techniques For Attracting A Man

I've been meaning to post these blogs for some time now. I used to get these dating newsletters emailed to me every week. I think the title was something like "How To Be Irresistible To Men." They are hilarious! I use to make personal comments and then email them to friends. Now I will post them for your enjoyment. This was a real newsletter, people! My comments are in red...

Proven Techniques for Attracting a Man
Take out a pen and paper ladies.

There are quite a few tried and true techniques for attracting men. Some of them are brand new, others have been around a while. Wow this is a great introductory paragraph. Really draws the reader in. Can you feel the sarcasm? 'Cause I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Show a little skin. Not enough that you look cheap, but just enough to stimulate his imagination. For instance, if you wear a really short skirt and sit down or bend over just a little bit to pick something up, he can get a glance of your panties--so make sure they're nice! White panties are a big "NO" since they'll remind him of his mother. Wear a short skirt and bend over so he can see your ass? Is that really what I've been doing wrong this whole time? And what exactly would a girl have to do to be considered cheap?
The same thing applies to your bra--his mom probably wore a white one. Before you go to show skin, make sure your bra and panties are "up to code" flirting-wise. Wear colored ones with a little lace trim, or even a thong or crotchless panties if you dare. Wow, it really is a fine line between flirting and prostituting yourself.
Be honest and genuine. This is one of the biggest things you can do to attract any man and endear yourself to him. Trust is a huge issue with men, and if he knows you're honest, he'll know he can trust you. Also, when you give him compliments he'll know that you mean it. "Honestly, Billy, I'm wearing crotchless panties."
Compliment his good qualities. This goes hand-in-hand with honesty. There's good and bad in everyone, so find the good things and say something nice. Does he have a hooked nose and bushy eyebrows? OK, well maybe you can't truthfully tell him he's handsome, but you CAN tell him his face has character, and that's a good thing. Why am I trying to hook up with a guy with a weird nose and bushy eyebrows? If anyone ever tells me my face has character I will kill myself. I'm pretty sure that is the appropriate response to such a comment.
Don't come on too strong right at first. Some women love to make a big show of going up to a man they've never met and starting the conversation with heavy flirting. While that strategy is certainly entertaining to watch, it doesn't usually get you very far. That's why I suggest just showing your ass. Who is this girl? Seriously.
Show interest in more subtle ways, present a challenge. Suggest a game of tic tac toe. It may sound old-fashioned, but men really do love a challenge. And then, of course, some men think flirty women are too easy. Of course, it depends on the man, too. So really, my words hold no weight.
One very controversial strategy is to be a bit of a bitch. By "bitch" I don't mean full-blown obnoxious, just strong-willed and take-no-prisoners. The pros to this are that many men are intrigued by women who are a little bit bitchy--it's the challenge thing. On the other hand, the man you're trying to attract could be the type of man who's been burned by one too many bitches. So should I be a bitch or not!? Help a girl out!
The best way to play this one is to be just a little bitchy and see how it goes over. If he smiles and is drawn in, by all means play up your inner junkyard bitch (can someone please give me the webster definition of this?). But if he frowns and starts moving away, I'd recommend a quick fade back into nice-girl mode. And if he starts calling you "Sybil," throw your poop at him like you're a caged monkey. Then he'll just think you're crazy and no harm will be done.
Then, of course, there's the "friends first" tactic. This one has some risks, the biggest one being that once you get labeled as "one of the guys" it can be really hard to break out of that box and become once again seen as a full-fledged love goddess. Sigh, this one hits too close to home.
However, no matter how much of a buddy you are, men always know who's who. Being friends first can be a great way to get to know him and find out if you share common interests. Just take care that you don't start treating him like your brother. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have called Billy's mom to tell on him for making a face at me.
When you talk to him, lean in close or make some other excuse to get close so that he can smell your perfume. This is like magic. Men love to smell women's perfume, and when they do it's almost intoxicating to them (if they like the woman.) And if they don't like the woman, then her perfume will not be intoxicating to him. This whole paragraph has canceled itself out.
One of the best ways to attract men is to let yourself have fun. People who are having fun are...well, FUN to be around. Who wouldn't want to be around someone who's smiling, laughing, and in a state of joy? Not to mention bending over in a short skirt while wearing strong perfume. Those people are fun! True dat! So wherever you go, just relax and let yourself have a good time. Men will be drawn to you.
If you're attracted to a man and you want him to be attracted to you, ask him questions about himself. Men love to talk about themselves--their jobs, their sports, their hobbies, movies they saw, music, their friends...and it conveys to him that you are sincerely interested in him. That's very flattering. Make sure you never talk about yourself. It is all about him. Giggle at all his jokes. Feel his muscles. Bat your eyes. Do what he tells you even it makes you uncomfortable or is illegal.
And ask your questions in a way that lets him know you're flirting, not just being friendly. Picture this: you are at a bike path and you see a guy taking his mountain bike off the back of his jeep. Do you say: "Hey, nice bike."? If so, that's being friendly.
But if you say, "Do you come here often? What's your favorite trail?" And you stop to listen to his answer, that's probably flirting. Yeah, I got nothin'.
A little-known tip for attracting a man is to eat a meal with him. Men love to watch a woman eat because they get to see your lips, tongue, and entire mouth in action. This is very stimulating to them. Why? Because it allows them to fantasize about having oral sex with you. They especially love when you get bits of cilantro stuck in your teeth.
And here's one of the most obvious things that you can do to attract a man, but it often gets forgotten about when a woman's nervous: give him a big smile. That will make a man's heart jump and he will always remember that smile. Once he's seen it, he'll jump through fire to please you so that he can see it again. Trust me, men love to see women smile. What?! Jump through fire? Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard right now.
Believe it or not, the old cliche about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach does have truth in it. Bake him a batch of cookies. It doesn't matter if you don't know how to cook. They've made cooking so easy these days anyone can do it, just buy a cookie sheet and slice-and-bake cookies. He won't know they're not from scratch. They'll warm his heart because they're something special you made for him. I love that she encourages me to be a lazy ass and pretend that I took the time to bake from scratch. Maybe this girl knows a thing or two after all.
In closing, always--and I mean ALWAYS--be yourself! There's no point in luring a man in by pretending to be someone you're not, because then you'll have to keep up that false front. Just be yourself to start with and things will be easier. And if being yourself doesn't include being a bitchy whore with a big smile who can't bake, then please disregard this newsletter. Tootles.
See you again next time .
Yours in dating success,
Sarah Paul.
Commentary provided by Natalie.

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