Monday, November 19, 2007

Never Underestimate the Power of a Bear Costume

My sister sends me this email on Friday:
I will be flying out early tomorrow morning to LA and returning later that night. I was asked by my supervisors at my internship to go be a part of this political conference. But get this... I have to be in a bear costume! :)

The political conference turns out to be the first ever presidential debate to focus solely on global warming and America's energy future. Dennis Kucinich, Hillary Clinton and John Edwards were all in attendance.

The reason for the bear costume is because Steph's been interning with the NPCA (National Parks Conservation Association), and they've been using their mascot, Teddy, to raise awareness about the effects of global warming on national parks ( So Teddy was scheduled to go to this forum in support of a greener future for America.

The forum sounded interesting, but mostly I was excited to hang out with my sister (and see her in a bear costume). When I meet up with Steph/Teddy she tells me they won't let her in. In fact, they threatened to arrest the bear. There was some major miscommunication and they thought she was there to protest. It was a bummer, but her boss still got us tickets to the debate.

On our way from the parking lot to Wadsworth Theater, we are accosted by two officers.

"We know you're with the group with the bear costume," the lady tells us. "We're gonna need to see some ID."

I tell her our IDs are in the car because we were told not to bring purses in.

"That's fine, ma'am. Go get them."

They follow us to our cars where the main officer proceeds to call me "ma'am." I don't trust anyone who calls me ma'am six times within the same conversation.

"Who are you again?" I ask.

"Investigator Treadwell, ma'am."

So she writes down our information on a piece of paper and I want to laugh because I can only imagine the info they'll pull from my background check.

Natalie DeJohn:

Age 25, received a ticket for not making a complete stop at a stop sign.
Age 16, caused a fender bender.
Age 13, threw a hairbrush at her mother in the midst of a moody teen outburst.

The investigator finally leaves and we think we're in the clear, but a federal agent greets us at the door of the theater and takes us aside.

"We know who you are," he says. "We know you're with the group with the bear. We will not have any protesting or any other disturbances during the forum."

"Okay. We weren't planning--"

"This is a federal matter. And that means the charges will be double. We WILL arrest you and you WILL go to jail. And you probably won't get to see a judge until Tuesday."

He follows this speech with a stern, "We're watching you."

It is both scary and hilarious. It doesn't help that I'm wearing the noisiest heels ever, and each step echoes up the stairs.

"Walk on your tip toes," my sister says.

"Stop whispering so loud. They're watching us!"

We probably look like Lucy and Ethel, bumbling up the stairs and causing an unnecessary ruckus while groping for our seats in the dark and shh-ing each other.

I tried to stay focused on the presidential candidates and their plans for improving America's energy crisis, but I couldn't stop thinking about the Feds.

Are they really watching us? Did they see Steph get dressed in the car? Are we bugged? Can they hear everything we say? How long have they been watching us? Are there cameras in my apartment? Did they see me eating my breakfast yogurt with a measuring spoon this morning? (I swear I'll do the dishes soon).

When I got home, I immediately called my parents to explain to them what happened in the event that I don't show up for Thanksgiving. If I mysteriously disappear one day without a trace, I'm probably being tortured by the Feds. Never underestimate the power of a bear costume.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Just Like A Tattoo

Jordin Sparks seems like a lovely girl. And I know that the point of American Idol is to crank out upbeat pop songs to make money, with little regard to the actual content of the songs. But seriously, have you heard that new "Tattoo" single on the radio? Here's the chorus:

You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you (I'll always have you)

You're on my heart just like a tattoo? That's the best they could come up with? Does Jordin Sparks even have a tattoo? A heart can't be tattooed. It's an organ that lives inside the body. And don't they know that it is possible to remove a tattoo these days?

Jordin, darling, you seem very sweet. Really you do. I don't even mind that you spell your name with an "I" instead of an "A." But honey, this song is really dumb. Just plain dumb. You'd be better off with something like:

You'll always be with me
Just like an STD.


You're a part of everything I do
Like gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe.


You're on my foot
Just like a bunion.

Maybe I'll just start composing my own pop songs.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Plotting Against My Estranged Husband

I missed work the past few days because I haven't been feeling well. I had just enough energy to watch daytime television, and this is my conclusion:

I think I'd like to live in a soap opera. I want to live in a place where all the men are good-looking and tan with names like Logan and Jason, where the women have shiny, perfect hair and makeup that lasts all day. A place where everyone is rich, but no one has a real job so all that's left to do is back-stab, kidnap and sleep with one another. Sounds kind of glamorous, doesn't it? It certainly sounds more interesting than the regular 9 to 5 life, with its bills and grocery shopping and broken garbage disposals. Yes, I'd much rather be angry and beautiful, lounging by the pool with a cocktail while plotting against my estranged husband.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Yard Sales

Will somebody please tell the family down the street that putting three flannel shirts and some broken lamps out on their front lawn does NOT constitute a real yard sale? Seriously, people.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Dating Newsletter #4 - The Fourth and Final Installment

What Really Turns Men On.
Nice try, Sarah. You've already used that title.

On this topic, there's a big difference of opinion, and it's not among men. It's between men and women. Unfortunately, a lot of what women think about how to attract men is wrong. Thus, many women waste time, effort and money doing things they think will attract men but which actually repel them.

Linda made this mistake on her first real date with Jack (not their real names) . She says, "I met Jack at a backyard party. (Is this an east coast term? Never heard of it). I wasn't really expecting to meet a guy, so it was a pleasant surprise. We ended up spending the whole evening together and by the time it was over we were dancing, kissing, cuddling, and getting really hot. Getting really hot? Do people say that? I had to go home with my friends, so Jack asked me to meet him on Saturday."

"So when Saturday came, I got ready! I was expecting more of what we'd had at the party, so I piled up my hair (there's her first mistake), wore my shortest mini-skirt (second mistake), put on a nice blouse (Blouse?! I think this scenario was written by my mother), and spent a LOT of time on my make-up. Uh oh. What happened? Jack did nothing but act pissed." What's wrong, Jack? "I'm pissed that you wore a LOT of makeup."

"We had a terrible afternoon. We did nothing but drive around. What? They just drove around? This story is weird. Finally, I asked Jack what was wrong. He said he'd wanted to take me to meet his friends, but that he didn't want to now, with me dressed 'like that.' He said I was coming on too strong and what was he supposed to do about it?" Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard right now.

What was Linda's mistake? It wasn't really that she'd come on too strong, since she and Jack had been making out hot and heavy at the party where they met. Her mistake was in not asking Jack what they'd be doing, or where they'd be going on Sunday. Problem #1: they went out on a Saturday, not a Sunday, so that doesn't even make sense. Problem #2 This story is weird.

Here's the thing: men want you to be a lady around their friends and family and a whore in the bedroom, when it's just you and him. I believe the saying is: They want a lady on the street and freak in the sheets. Get it right. So if a man you're attracted to asks you to meet him, ask a few questions about what you'll be doing and who you're going to see. Maybe something like, "Is this an event where I should dress like a whore or a lady?"

A little sexuality can go a long way, (definite t-shirt slogan) especially if you're dating a man for the very first time. As opposed to dating a man for the second time?

For instance, there's the whole "I'm not wearing any panties" thing. Ha ha ha ha! Yes, she totally just said that. This is a very stimulating thing to say to a man you're dating, but you probably don't want to say it on the very first date, or right when you first meet him. It's too much, too soon. Note to self: stop telling men I'm not wearing panties upon first meeting them.

Why are men stimulated when you whisper that you're not wearing panties? Does this question even need to be asked? In a word, access. Or at least, the thought that there's easy access, especially if you're wearing a skirt.

A similar turn-on is thigh-high panty hose, (Panty hose?! Now I'm totally convinced that my mother wrote this) the kind that don't go all the way up. I'll never forget the look on a man's face once when he was running his hand up my panty hose-clad leg and discovered that the panty hose stopped at mid-thigh. His eyes got wide. "They stop!" He was like a little boy in a candy store after that. In fact, it actually was a little boy in a candy store. Sarah Paul is a pervert.

At the other end of the spectrum, something that really turns men on is a woman who has goals and ambitions and is actively working towards them. Most men don't want a clingy, dependent woman who can't stand on her own. They want to know that you can handle yourself, and nothing shows that better than if you've got purpose. Hi. My name is Natalie. I am a goal-oriented, ambitious woman who's not wearing any panties.

Have a mission, have drive, have passion. All of these things give you purpose and thus make you incredibly alluring to a man because you are ABOUT something. Stop yelling. You're not just some bimbo who sits in front of the TV eating bon-bons and waiting for the phone to ring. How did she know? Men don't respect those women. They respect women with purpose, and are attracted to them.

Another thing that some women think men like but they really don't is high-pitched baby-talk. Sorry Kerri Strugg. You know the type, the woman whose voice is very high, and who sounds like a little baby doll. Women do this because they think it makes them appealing, but the only type of men who like this kind of thing are very macho men who are not very intelligent. Don't do it, you won't like what you get. What?!

Then there's the whole dress-up conundrum. Oh no. Not the dress-up condundrum. Believe it or not, there are plenty of women who mainly dress up for other women--and they're not lesbians. Too many women get caught up with competing to see who can out-dress who and they spend valuable time, energy and money dressing to impress their friends. It's true, Devon. And you haven't even noticed me.

About 90% of this is wasted on men. This is an actual statistic from a 1998 Gallup Poll...or maybe she pulled it out of her bum. I get those mixed up. Want to know the truth? Men could care less what the latest style is. If you're clean, and what you're wearing fits you good and flatters your figure, that's attractive to men. It really doesn't matter if it's a fashion statement from ten years ago--they don't know the difference. One-sided baggy overalls, here I come!

Men also get turned on by being able to help women. If you're stranded on the side of the road with a broken-down car or flat tire, or if the dishwasher just him. He loves to help. A man wants to be your hero, he wants to rescue you from whatever trouble you're having. This paragraph is actually somewhat truthful.

Two warnings here, though. One, don't cry wolf. Besides the obvious reason, if you ask for his help for every little thing, he may start thinking you're an idiot. There's a delicate balance between asking for his help and becoming helpless. Don't be helpless. "Wolf! Wolf!"

The other warning is don't ask for his help about emotional matters. Toaster broken? Call him. Fence needs repair? Call him. Your best friend betrayed a confidence? Don't call him--call a girlfriend. Men are oriented towards fixing things and giving solutions, not towards being supportive. I can picture the wedding vows now: I take you in good times and times when I have to fix a toaster...

And always remember to thank him for what he does for you and tell him how much you appreciate his help. You'll score major points that way. Oh, and stop wearing panties.

See you again next time.
Yours in dating success,
Sarah Paul.

Commentary provided by Natalie.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Steve Zahn and Paul Walker Changed My Life

Ever had one of those life-changing experiences where you decide to live again?

I just finished watching a movie on TV called "Joy Ride." Ever heard of it? Didn't think so. This zany thriller stars Steve Zahn and Paul Walker as two brothers who unwittingly find themselves running (or driving, rather) from a psychotic truck driver who does not enjoy crank calls on his CB. They learn this the hard way, of course. That'll teach you to make crank calls, you naughty boys!

I tried to visualize the pitch meeting for this movie...

"Okay, picture this: Paul Walker and Steve Zahn are brothers traveling across the country, and they decide to make a crank call on the CB. But the truck driver they mess with isn't your ordinary run-of-the-mill truck driver. Oh, no. He's psychotic!"

Yes, I had a good laugh. Until I realized the people who made this awful movie at least got paid for it. What did I have to say for myself? I was voluntarily watching it while eating 3 sugarless ice cream bars that I purchased at the 99 cent store because I was too lazy to cook an actual meal! That's two hours of my life I'll never get back. How depressing.

Well, I'm changing my ways, people. You mark my words. I'm gonna go back to school, serve at a food kitchen and start rescuing stray animals. Or at the very least do some laundry.

Thank you, Steve Zahn and Paul Walker. You've changed my life.

Friday, April 6, 2007

On Being Fascinating - Dating Newsletter #3

Attract Men By Being Fascinating and by Not Looking for Them
Yes, folks, this was the original title.

One of the biggest ways to attract a man is by being fascinating. Oh, for
crying in the night. What does that mean?
If you can arouse his
curiosity, you'll capture his interest. Right. Arouse his "curiosity." Wink
There are several ways to do this, and they all revolve around
cultivating a fascinating persona.

If you like to read, read more. Is this still the same newsletter? Read
lots of different types of things...newspapers, magazines, science-fiction
novels, internet blogs, and how-to books. Bathroom stalls, fliers on your windshield, erotic fiction and nursery rhymes. When you read a lot, you know a lot, and thus you'll have a lot to contribute to a conversation. "So I was reading this dating newsletter, and it told me to be fascinating..."

News, stories about interesting people, articles about politics or where
the world is headed, or interesting novels are all good fuel for
scintillating conversations. And where exactly will I be having these
intelligent conversations? Certainly not at the karaoke bar I frequent.

Be careful, though, if you do this that you don't come across as Miss
Know-it-All. That's a big turn-off to most men, or to anyone, really. Keep
an open mind about other's opinions and don't try to come off as an expert.
Let there be give and take in the conversation. Who just might
learn something new that makes you even more fascinating at the next party!
This newsletter is making me ill.

Another way to become fascinating is to take up some new sport or hobby,
preferably one that isn't terribly common. What's common? Golf, mountain
biking, video games, road running. Road running? Does she mean jogging?
What's not common? Whitewater kayaking, skydiving, trail running,
tie-dyeing shirts, and Ultimate Frisbee, among other things. Please tell me
she did not say tie-dying.

So try to find a sport or hobby that's little-known, yet still has a fairly
high "cool factor." Think snowboarding prior to 2000, or mountain biking
prior to about 1990. Don't stray into the realm of stuff that's off-beat,
yet boring, like button collecting or training show dogs. (Warning: if you
want to attract men, don't train show dogs at all. Women who do this have a
reputation for being stuck-up and men know it.) Show dogs?! What?!

Don't like reading or sports? Try travel. Splurge and take a nice
vacation to somewhere in the Caribbean with your friends. Then you'll have something interesting to talk about. Yeah, like the credit card debt I will accrue from taking such a trip. If travel abroad is out of your budget, consider quick weekend getaways to nearby attractions like beaches, lakes, or mountains. Even a day trip on the weekend will do if it's to somewhere that most people haven't been.

Another source of good conversation is your friends. If one of your
friends goes on the kind of trips you wish you could go on but can't afford,
pump them for information about what it's like in Japan , or Rome , or the
Bahamas. There's nothing guys like more than when you tell them stories
about your friends traveling to Japan.
Then you'll have travel stories to
tell, even if they're second-hand. "So my friend was backpacking through Europe and saw a beautiful nude woman crying..."

In general, you should try to get out and do as many things and be with as
many people as you can, for two reasons. One is that you'll get stories out
of them, stories that will make you a fascinating person when you tell them. Oh yeah, 'cause everyone loves that person at the party who steals everyone's jokes and stories. The other is that, who knows, you might just meet a guy when you're out and about.

This brings me to my second technique for meeting men. Here we go. After
talking with hundreds of women throughout the years, I've concluded that you
have your best luck in meeting men when you are not looking for them.

Sound strange? It's not--there's actually a good reason for this when you
stop and think about it.

When you set a goal to meet men, you project that to people, whether it's
consciously or subconsciously. And usually there's a tinge of desperation,
a hint of neediness. A pinch of salt. Oh, I thought we were making a recipe.
Remember this: that is not attractive.

When you're at a party or just hanging out with friends at a public place
and you're looking around at the men there, scoping them out, they see that
and it turns them off. Funny, I vaguely remember a previous newsletter in
which I was instructed to bend over so guys could see my panties.
It makes you look like a needy, clingy woman who just can't wait to get her claws into a man. So I guess the weeping and gnashing of teeth is out, too.

Instead, even if you are looking for someone, push that thought to the back
of your mind and just live your life. Then why are you writing a newsletter about how to pick up men?! Go out with friends, smile, laugh, and have fun. Every single woman I've ever talked to about this has told me that she's met the very best men--includinghusbands--when she was not really looking for them, just minding her ownbusiness. Were these women meeting their own husbands or other people's husbands? There's a slight difference.

Make the effort to engage the world by taking up a new sport, game, hobby,
or cause. Don't go there to meet men, go there to do whatever they're doing
there. The men will be there. Ooh, she's such a prophet.

Having said that, though, you should bear in mind that if meeting a man is
in the back of your mind, you'll want to seek out activities that attract a
higher percentage of men than women. There's really no point in going to
quilting classes if you want to meet men. There's really no point in going
to quilting classes, period.
Instead, learn to love auto repair, paintball,
the gym, and outdoor sports. Learn to love auto repair. I can just see my
conversations now. "Yeah, I was just checking the specs on the
rotor of my new ride and..."

Another aspect of the "fascinating woman" angle (oh it's an angle now) is
the Mystery Woman. Men are detectives at heart and they
love a little bit of mystery. Don't tell him everything about
yourself--hold some things back. Divulge enough that he can figure out that
what he's hearing is just the tip of the iceberg and you'll arouse his
curiosity. Again with the arousing of the curiousity.

Part of the reason mystery women ARE mystery women is that they don't call
or e-mail a lot, either. This causes the man to wonder what you're up to,
so he'll call or e-mail YOU. And that's good, because men are natural
hunters who like the thrill of the chase.

Don't always answer the phone, either. Check. When he has to leave
messages, it makes him wonder where you are and what you are doing. It
contributes to your image as a mystery woman, or at the very least someone
fascinating who's always busy. "You know, Natalie never answers her phone.
She must be someone fascinating who's always busy."

You can play up the mystery woman thing by wearing an odd piece of antique
jewelry that prompts him to ask questions. Don't get carried away,
though--too many bracelets, necklaces or earrings will make you look junky.
You can also make references to interesting incidents in your life, without
explaining further. Then he'll have to ask. "I had lice once."

See you again next time .

Yours in dating success,

Sarah Paul.

Commentary provided by Natalie.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What Really Turns Men On --Dating Newsletter #2

Note: This is part of a series of actual newsletters I received via email. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. My comments are in RED...

What Really Turns Men On

"Let me hear your body talk," went the old Olivia Newton-John song ("Let's Get Physical.") You can flirt with more than words. Like the old song goes, "I wanna lick lick lick lick you from yo head to yo toes" (What's Your Fantasy by Ludacris). In fact, there are many ways to flirt with your body language. Men don't use as many signs as women to show their interest, and they are incredibly easy to read. Right. This doesn't necessarily mean that men are simple; Right. it's just that they're not as complicated. And since we women are the ones that give the signal to approach, you need to know which signals to use. Remember in driver's ed when you had to learn the hand signals? That's what I'm picturing right now.

You'll also need to know how to read the few signs he DOES give off. Stop yelling. Some of these are almost imperceptible, so keep a close eye out. Women are generally better at reading these almost subliminal signals and if you know what you're looking for you'll have an automatic advantage.

· Raised eyebrow: This eye brow is quick and often missed, but studies have caught this on tape. What? There have been eyebrow studies? Think back to the last time you talked to that guy you've had your eye on. Were his eyebrows raised? Wouldn't that just mean he was surprised to see me?

· Lips: Parted lips when he first sees you. This is a subconscious desire to kiss you, so watch for it. Oh my gosh.

· Nostrils: Slightly flared nostrils. What?

· Becoming a bit louder: this is the alpha-male hunter-gatherer in action. He's showing off for you, showing you what a big, strong man he is. "Hey, Natalie. It's really GOOD TO SEE YOU! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!!"

· Preening: smooth his color (try collar, jackass), straighten his tie. This one isn't hard to figure out--he wants to look his best.

· Touching his hair. Same as above.

If you are talking, he is interested if:

· His eyebrows are raised. Didn't we cover this already?

· He preens: Maybe if I just keep repeating myself, they won't notice that I'm talking out of my butt. Even touching his socks is a good sign, but this could include putting his fingers in his belt loop or buttoning or unbuttoning his jacket . Or he has adult ADD. It's a fine line.

· He's standing as tall as he can, pulling everything in. I think this is what you're supposed to do when a bear tries to attack you. No, seriously.

· He's scanning your body, looking up and down your body, staring at certain parts of your body. No, this guy is a creep (i.e. Vince "The Creepy Guy") Men aren't as subtle as women in the checking out routine, but this is a definite sign that he's interested. No kidding.

· Touching his face Okay.

· Playing with his glass If you know what I mean.

· Spreading his legs Uh-huh.

· Standing with hands on hips Whatever.

· Sitting on the edge of his seat Sure.

· Guiding you through a crowd This is supposed to be a list of signs that show he's interested when I'm talking to him. If I'm talking to a guy and all of a sudden he starts "guiding me through a crowd," I'm going to be very confused.

· Loaning you a jacket if you're cold. Taking off your jacket if you're hot.

A big sign is prolonged eye contact. Does he stare into your eyes, unable to tear himself away? Again, creep city. You're mesmerizing him--congratulations! Tshirt slogan. You can use this sign yourself by working up your nerve and holding his gaze just a little longer than you'd normally be comfortable with. First one to laugh is a rotten egg.

It might be a little bit nerve-wracking but go ahead and let yourself look deeply into his eyes as he looks into yours. This is what lovers DO. DO they?

Now, what if you're his friend and you realize you have feelings for him? Hmm, this could be a dilemma. And what if you have no idea whether he has feelings for you, too, or if he thinks of you as just a friend? Yes, a pickle indeed. This is the kind of thing that can drive even sensible women nuts, but there are ways to find out. Here we go...

Remember that movie, When Harry Met Sally? Being friends first doesn't just happen in the movies. Where do you think they got the idea anyway? Everything that happens in movies is true! You should mimic everything you see in the movies. It happens all the time. But if you and a guy are friends, how do you send him signals that you'd like to take things further without risking blowing everything by blurting it out--and possibly ruining a friendship? Yes, 'cause if you are good friends you want to make sure there is no verbal communication going on. It's all about body language.

The answer is to let your body do the talking. I'm one step ahead of you, Sarah.

The easiest and most direct way to let him know that you want to be more than friends without an awkward conversation is to do it during your hellos and goodbyes. If you don't normally hug him goodbye or hello - start. Or whisper in his ear, "I want to have your babies." Try using a satanic voice.

How does he react? Try it a few times and if he still seems stiff (hee hee), or doesn't really hug back, consider stopping and leaving him as your friend. But if you hug all the time because that's your style, or he responds favorably to the hug, then you can give his hand a squeeze and maybe even pull him in for a kiss - on the lips if you want to be most direct. Or grab his butt.

When you pull back, look him in the eye. If he's interested, he'll know this is a "green light." If he's not, he'll probably be confused. Try this a few times. Now I'm confused.

The next step is to ask a friend to say something like "You know, I had a dream you and her started dating! You two made such a cute couple." Or something along those lines. This has worked for numerous 3rd graders.

But if you're not getting anything positive after these efforts, you'll have to decide if you want to keep things the way they are and realize he'll never be more than friends (without punishing him for this, it's not his fault if he can't see how great the two of you would be together!) or cool it a bit so you don't have to think about what might have been. This was a poorly constructed sentence. Good thing guys don't care about grammar.

Another big signal that you can send is to mirror his body language. If he crosses his legs, you do it, too. If he leans back, you lean back. If he scratches his man parts, you scratch your man parts. You should also be on the lookout for him mirroring your body language. If he does it, he's probably attracted to you. Or he's a complete freak! Hello! Don't get carried away with this, though, and start aping every single thing he does. That can get kind of creepy. "Hi, I'm Billy." "Hi, I'm Billy." "No, I'M Billy." "No, I"M Billy." "Stop doing that." "Stop doing that."

Probably the number one sign that you can give him that says "I'm attracted to you" is to let your face light up with joy when you see him. Good thing she's not vague about this number one sign. That sends a powerful message. And likewise, if his whole face lights up when he sees you, like you've just made his day, then you're home free. He's attracted to you--very attracted. Or radioactive--very radioactive.

See you again next time.
Yours in dating success,
Sarah Paul.

Commentary provided by Natalie.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Proven Techniques For Attracting A Man

I've been meaning to post these blogs for some time now. I used to get these dating newsletters emailed to me every week. I think the title was something like "How To Be Irresistible To Men." They are hilarious! I use to make personal comments and then email them to friends. Now I will post them for your enjoyment. This was a real newsletter, people! My comments are in red...

Proven Techniques for Attracting a Man
Take out a pen and paper ladies.

There are quite a few tried and true techniques for attracting men. Some of them are brand new, others have been around a while. Wow this is a great introductory paragraph. Really draws the reader in. Can you feel the sarcasm? 'Cause I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Show a little skin. Not enough that you look cheap, but just enough to stimulate his imagination. For instance, if you wear a really short skirt and sit down or bend over just a little bit to pick something up, he can get a glance of your panties--so make sure they're nice! White panties are a big "NO" since they'll remind him of his mother. Wear a short skirt and bend over so he can see your ass? Is that really what I've been doing wrong this whole time? And what exactly would a girl have to do to be considered cheap?
The same thing applies to your bra--his mom probably wore a white one. Before you go to show skin, make sure your bra and panties are "up to code" flirting-wise. Wear colored ones with a little lace trim, or even a thong or crotchless panties if you dare. Wow, it really is a fine line between flirting and prostituting yourself.
Be honest and genuine. This is one of the biggest things you can do to attract any man and endear yourself to him. Trust is a huge issue with men, and if he knows you're honest, he'll know he can trust you. Also, when you give him compliments he'll know that you mean it. "Honestly, Billy, I'm wearing crotchless panties."
Compliment his good qualities. This goes hand-in-hand with honesty. There's good and bad in everyone, so find the good things and say something nice. Does he have a hooked nose and bushy eyebrows? OK, well maybe you can't truthfully tell him he's handsome, but you CAN tell him his face has character, and that's a good thing. Why am I trying to hook up with a guy with a weird nose and bushy eyebrows? If anyone ever tells me my face has character I will kill myself. I'm pretty sure that is the appropriate response to such a comment.
Don't come on too strong right at first. Some women love to make a big show of going up to a man they've never met and starting the conversation with heavy flirting. While that strategy is certainly entertaining to watch, it doesn't usually get you very far. That's why I suggest just showing your ass. Who is this girl? Seriously.
Show interest in more subtle ways, present a challenge. Suggest a game of tic tac toe. It may sound old-fashioned, but men really do love a challenge. And then, of course, some men think flirty women are too easy. Of course, it depends on the man, too. So really, my words hold no weight.
One very controversial strategy is to be a bit of a bitch. By "bitch" I don't mean full-blown obnoxious, just strong-willed and take-no-prisoners. The pros to this are that many men are intrigued by women who are a little bit bitchy--it's the challenge thing. On the other hand, the man you're trying to attract could be the type of man who's been burned by one too many bitches. So should I be a bitch or not!? Help a girl out!
The best way to play this one is to be just a little bitchy and see how it goes over. If he smiles and is drawn in, by all means play up your inner junkyard bitch (can someone please give me the webster definition of this?). But if he frowns and starts moving away, I'd recommend a quick fade back into nice-girl mode. And if he starts calling you "Sybil," throw your poop at him like you're a caged monkey. Then he'll just think you're crazy and no harm will be done.
Then, of course, there's the "friends first" tactic. This one has some risks, the biggest one being that once you get labeled as "one of the guys" it can be really hard to break out of that box and become once again seen as a full-fledged love goddess. Sigh, this one hits too close to home.
However, no matter how much of a buddy you are, men always know who's who. Being friends first can be a great way to get to know him and find out if you share common interests. Just take care that you don't start treating him like your brother. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have called Billy's mom to tell on him for making a face at me.
When you talk to him, lean in close or make some other excuse to get close so that he can smell your perfume. This is like magic. Men love to smell women's perfume, and when they do it's almost intoxicating to them (if they like the woman.) And if they don't like the woman, then her perfume will not be intoxicating to him. This whole paragraph has canceled itself out.
One of the best ways to attract men is to let yourself have fun. People who are having fun are...well, FUN to be around. Who wouldn't want to be around someone who's smiling, laughing, and in a state of joy? Not to mention bending over in a short skirt while wearing strong perfume. Those people are fun! True dat! So wherever you go, just relax and let yourself have a good time. Men will be drawn to you.
If you're attracted to a man and you want him to be attracted to you, ask him questions about himself. Men love to talk about themselves--their jobs, their sports, their hobbies, movies they saw, music, their friends...and it conveys to him that you are sincerely interested in him. That's very flattering. Make sure you never talk about yourself. It is all about him. Giggle at all his jokes. Feel his muscles. Bat your eyes. Do what he tells you even it makes you uncomfortable or is illegal.
And ask your questions in a way that lets him know you're flirting, not just being friendly. Picture this: you are at a bike path and you see a guy taking his mountain bike off the back of his jeep. Do you say: "Hey, nice bike."? If so, that's being friendly.
But if you say, "Do you come here often? What's your favorite trail?" And you stop to listen to his answer, that's probably flirting. Yeah, I got nothin'.
A little-known tip for attracting a man is to eat a meal with him. Men love to watch a woman eat because they get to see your lips, tongue, and entire mouth in action. This is very stimulating to them. Why? Because it allows them to fantasize about having oral sex with you. They especially love when you get bits of cilantro stuck in your teeth.
And here's one of the most obvious things that you can do to attract a man, but it often gets forgotten about when a woman's nervous: give him a big smile. That will make a man's heart jump and he will always remember that smile. Once he's seen it, he'll jump through fire to please you so that he can see it again. Trust me, men love to see women smile. What?! Jump through fire? Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard right now.
Believe it or not, the old cliche about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach does have truth in it. Bake him a batch of cookies. It doesn't matter if you don't know how to cook. They've made cooking so easy these days anyone can do it, just buy a cookie sheet and slice-and-bake cookies. He won't know they're not from scratch. They'll warm his heart because they're something special you made for him. I love that she encourages me to be a lazy ass and pretend that I took the time to bake from scratch. Maybe this girl knows a thing or two after all.
In closing, always--and I mean ALWAYS--be yourself! There's no point in luring a man in by pretending to be someone you're not, because then you'll have to keep up that false front. Just be yourself to start with and things will be easier. And if being yourself doesn't include being a bitchy whore with a big smile who can't bake, then please disregard this newsletter. Tootles.
See you again next time .
Yours in dating success,
Sarah Paul.
Commentary provided by Natalie.

Monday, January 15, 2007

How To Meet Men

My friend sent me this article on "How To Meet Men" from Good stuff. All this article needs is some sassy commentary. My personal comments are in red. Enjoy!

STEP 1: Shoot pool at the local pool hall. Or jump in a pool at the local community pool. Just don't get them mixed up. Nothing is more embarrassing than jumping into a pool table in your bikini.

STEP 2: Watch sporting events at a sports bar with friends who work at a sporting goods store, and make sure to wear a sports coat.

STEP 3: Hang out at a popular surf beach - but try not to use the phrase "popular surf beach." Nobody says that.

STEP 4: Join a local sports league. Get injured. Have a hot guy from your team carry you to the ER. Kiss him when he goes to visit you in the hospital. If he doesn't kiss you back, pretend you didn't mean it and blame it on "all the painkillers they're giving me."

STEP 5: Find out if your local bike shop has a biking group you can join. First find out if you like biking.

STEP 6: Do your laundry at the laundromat. Check his laundry basket to make sure he's single. When he asks why you're rummaging through this things, tell him you love the smell of men's dirty laundry. It makes you hot. If he reacts strangely, pretend you didn't mean it and blame it on "all the painkillers they're giving me."

STEP 7: Grocery shop late at night or late Saturday morning. Check out his eating habits by the contents of his cart. Yeah, check out "the contents of his cart." Wink, wink.

STEP 8: Walk your dog. If you don't have a dog, walk your neighbor's dog. If your neighbor doesn't have a dog, make a dog out of paper mache and roll it down the street. Guys love this.

STEP 9: Join a local community garden. Just sit in the garden alone and hope for the best.

Tips & Warnings

- Do the things you love to do and you'll meet guys who have similar interests. Unless of course your interests are quilting, hair-braiding or talking about your period.
- A friendly smile is a great ice breaker. Or grab his butt.
- If you have done the above and still cannot meet men, you are flawed. These ideas are fantastic.